
Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/12261393.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Major_Character_Death, Rape/Non-Con,
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Homestuck
  Relationship:
      Beta_Bro/Beta_Mom, Bro_Strider/Mom_Lalonde, Dave_Strider/Karkat_Vantas
  Character:
      Dave_Strider, John_Egbert, Nanna_Egbert, Dirk_Strider, Rose_Lalonde, Roxy
      Lalonde, Porrim_Maryam, Karkat_Vantas, Mom_Lalonde, Bro_Strider, Kanaya
      Maryam
  Additional Tags:
      Abusive_Parents, Neglectful_Parents, Bro_will_later_do_some_fucked_up
      shit, Alcohol_Abuse/Alcoholism, I_will_update_tags_as_I_post, I_cant
      think_of_anything_else_its_late, davekat_-_Freeform, will_happen_-
      Freeform, LATER, Sexual_Abuse, Domestic_Violence, domestic_abuse,
      Emotional/Psychological_Abuse, Emotional_Manipulation, Internalized
      Homophobia, Homophobic_Language, Homophobic_Bro_Strider, Sexualized
      Minors, Pedophilia, Drug_Use, underaged_drinking, Shoplifting, Big
      Brother_Dirk
  Stats:
      Published: 2017-10-04 Updated: 2017-12-13 Chapters: 4/? Words: 8081
****** Filled Spaces: Empty Rooms ******
by unhappydersekids
Summary
     The voice greeting you is deeper than you remember it ever being.
     Then again, that was first grade and this is eight years later. He
     takes a deep breath and smiles, its warm and something you wouldn’t
     expect from him. After all, you both used to treat each other like
     shit for those first years of your early education. It was hair
     pulling and tattle taling on each other for those years. Recess was a
     battle ground between your respected friend groups. That was back
     when the crows still visited your apartment and your sisters shared
     the bedroom across the hall from your own. It was a fine time of
     child play dramas and learning long division. It was before you knew
     what a fridge was really for, and when your mother was around…granted
     sporadically around but around.
Notes
     Hey! WOW! I posted something what the fuck?!!! Yeah, so I have a plan
     for this fic and shit. :)
See the end of the work for more notes
***** First Day *****
   Today is your first day of school. You have never been in such a public
space before, anxiety grips your little heart like you grip your sister’s hand.
She is much better than you are at handling herself. She is the image of a
perfect child, aside from her “resting bitch face” as Bro calls it. Her lips
are quirked up in an amused smile at your fear of people. Kids scream and run
into the building before you and your family. Some brat is crying a few feet
away, what seems to be, his Grandma kisses his cheek and shushes him. You won’t
cry, crying is for girls. (Despite this fact, you have cried more times than
Rose ever has.) Your older brother, Dirk, gently nudges you forward. You
stumble, Rose’s grip saving you from hitting your face on the harsh pavement.
Taking a deep breath, you walk forward. Rose pulls her hand away to hold her
backpack straps.
   You have never gone to school before. Dirk, Roxy, and Rose all went to PreK
but you didn’t. Bro says it was because of your demon eyes, but you still don’t
understand it. It took Mom yelling at him and some grown up time for him to
agree to let you go to school. Today is your first year of the first grade.
   Dirk walks ahead with confidence and a look on his face you’ve never seen
before. Roxy tags along besides, skipping as her sneaker light up in the pink
little hearts. They're twinkle-toe shoes, Mom got them for her a week ago. They
both go to a group of five kids. None of which you know, they all look older
than your siblings. Dirk and Roxy are your older siblings; they are in 4rd
grade, two years older than you. Rose walks in front of you, and you follow
without word. She’s a year older than you, sometimes you think she’s smarter
than Mom. She uses fancy words and seems to understand things that go right
over your head. She wears worn Mary-Jane shoes but they look new. She’s messy
at home but here, she is well put together. You look like an alley kid
following her, a kicked puppy.
   Dirk soon finds you before you enter the door to the school, he yanks you
back harder than he means to but you don’t complain. You don’t even wince!
Pride for your growing manliness swells.
   “Hey, kiddo, I gotta take you to the front office first.” He says, voice
smooth and oh so like your Bro’s. Roxy bounces up behind, grinning wide, her
pink and purple rubber bands on her braces making her ever more charming. Her
hair is up in pig-tails, glittery white eyeshadow compliments her smile. She
stole if from the dollar store down the block from your apartment. You admire
her quick hand and innocence that allows her to get away with it.
   They both take you to the front office, here you receive your classroom.
Rose is in the 2nd grade, so you won’t see her. It’s a little disappointing
but, you’re a ‘lil man’, you can handle yourself! Dirk tells you that your
teacher is kind and that you’ll like her. But, you don’t know. Even at the
tender age of six, self-hatred swirls in your gut, you are not smart like your
siblings. Dirk and Roxy are in advanced math and science classes, while Rose is
learning French. You are stupid, worthless.
   Sucking in a deep breath, you walk in to the class room. Kids your age swarm
around desks and scream as they play before the first bell. Dirk leads you over
to the desk, a woman sits there, you assume she is the teacher. She looks
across the room fondly at a boy who sits crisscrossed. He has messy hair and is
wearing a short sleeved white t-shirt with a small crab on the front. His
shorts are beige and his shoes are untied, a girl is reading to him quietly.
You look away as her attention is drawn over to the 4th grader in her class
room.
   While Dirk introduces you in a very adult voice, you get distracted with the
boy in the crab shirt again. Before you can spend too much time being creepy,
someone pops up into your line of vision. It’s the boy that was crying outside,
here he looks fine. He’s grinning wide and is missing both teeth on either side
of his front two. This only makes the obvious buck-tooth grin more buck-tooth.
   “HI!” He screams into your ear, you don’t flinch but you want to. The guy
notices that he has your attention and sticks his out hand awkwardly, still
grinning. “My name is John, what’s yours?” His voice isn’t painfully loud now
but it’s still high-pitched. His brown hair is fitted around his large framed
glasses. You look him over and don’t shake his hand, Bro said handshakes were
for pussies.
   “Dave.” You answer plainly, with a small shrug. This seems to satisfy him,
and he grins wide. He seems like a small puppy. You’ve never seen such an
energetic person before, it’s a little unnerving.
   “My name’s John Egbert-“Before he can say anything else, Dirk says your name
and draws your attention away. He introduces you to your teacher, her name is
Miss Maryum. Dirk makes you shake her hand, and you stand disgruntled the whole
time.
   Nervousness curls in your stomach as Dirk leaves the class room and goes to
his own. Without Dirk, the classroom is too big, too loud, and yet it’s too
small at the same time. You sit at your seat, and carefully write out your name
for the sticker that will go on it. It’s something to focus on, so you try and
make it perfect.
   Your hand writing isn’t pretty like Rose’s, it isn’t as messy as Dirk’s, but
it’s also not Roxy’s. Rose taught you how to write, she tried to make you write
cursive but Dirk told her otherwise. Your hand writing is odd. It’s too sharp
and you hold the pencil just a little wrong. You write your name as neat as you
can, trying to copy the lettering of the Alphabet that is stabled above the
white board. It comes out weird, much more rounded than normal. Deciding you
hate it, you turn the tag over and slap your name across this side.
   When you bring it up to the teacher, she smiles at you. You stand still, and
don’t smile back. She doesn’t seem to mind too much, grabbing some tape and
leading back over to your desk.
   As she tapes it over the right upper hand corner of the desk, she talks. “I
am aware you aren’t a people person but, I want you to introduce yourself to
class.” Her words make you feel cold but you nod. You don’t openly disobey,
Dirk had warned you to always do what someone tells you in school. He said if
you didn’t, they’d call Bro. The thought holds heavy with the threat of a hot
rooftop and a sword.
   The bell rings and you flinch, it’s louder than you thought it would be,
making you jolt. She doesn’t say anything surprisingly. She pulls you along to
the front of the class as kids scramble into their seats. Their eyes land on
you, asking questionings. She smiles and says good morning. Thirteen small
voices reply to her, all cheerful and excited for the school day. You stand as
casual as you can, just like Bro taught you. She puts her hand on your
shoulder, and surpass a shake of your shoulder. You don’t like people touching
you unless it’s your siblings.
   “We have a new student today; his name is Dave. This is first day of school
so, I’m sure you’ll all be very nice.” She says, her voice is smooth and calms
you down even if she is touching you. “Introduce yourself?” She asks you.
   “My name is Dave Strider, I am six.” You say, your voice is calm and cool,
Bro would be proud. Someone pipes up to ask a question, “Why do you wear those
silly glasses?” You recognize him, it’s John. He doesn’t mean it in a mean way,
he’s just curious but you’re sour none the less. Despite this, you don’t let it
show and give a shrug. This shakes off Miss Maryum’s hand as well.
   You open your mouth but she speaks before you can, “Dave has very light
sensitive eyes, he needs sunglasses to see.” You want to pout and say no,
they’re cool. But, that’d be lame and you are not lame. You keep your mouth
shut though, able to feel the ghost of Bro’s sword on your arms.
 
                                     ☆ ☆ ☆
 
   Lunch is scary. It’s just that simple but, as you enter the room, you spot
your siblings. They’re in separate areas of the room. Dirk is the first one to
see you, but as you start to go towards him, he shakes his head. You stop dead
in your tracks, a teacher heading your way.
   His face is scared, like Bro’s. He’s scary to the other kids of your class
but, he’s not as scary as Bro. When he comes up to you, he asks you what you
think you’re doing out of line. You stupidly mumble to see your brother, the
next thing you know, you’re in the back of the line. You don’t see the actual
pain of this punishment as it dawns on you that there’s free food.
   You’re excited, especially when you get close enough to see that it’s hot
food. As you’re handed a tray of food, you smile to yourself. It falls when
someone screams hi in your ear.
   “Hi, Dave!” Says John, he cut in line to get to you. The few kids that came
in late from washing their hands look upset but say nothing. It seems John is
everyone’s friend, so you’re no different. You don’t trust him.
   “Hey.” You say as you take out the little slip of paper that Dirk handed you
this morning. It has a number on it, you don’t know what it means. You hand it
to the guy at the end of the line that seems to check everyone out. He takes
it, glances down at you and then hands it back. He looks a little pleased as
you walk away with John trailing behind you. Lunch is uneventful, you sit
alone, only because you ignored John. The food is good, it tastes warm and
fills you up. You’ve never had milk before but, you decide it’s gross. None the
less, you drink it. It’s free after all, Dirk taught you to never let anything
free go to waste.
   Dirk is waiting for you when you leave the classroom to go home, he grabs
your hand and you walk along beside him. It’s not cool to be so dependent on
your ‘big brother’ but you are. He’s stronger than you ever will be, he holds
you when you cry. He covers your mouth when you want to scream, Dirk is always
there for you.
  Technically you only have one sibling. Dirk is your uncle, and Roxy is your
aunt. But, Mom and Bro raised you like you were all siblings. Not to mention
how close your ages all are. You aren’t certain of family specifics, you’re
only six after all. Dirk is eight, and he’s smarter than you. He understands it
better than you do. One day maybe you’ll understand your confusing family tree
but for now, you are content with your blindfolded eyes.
***** Society Training *****
Chapter Summary
     Without a word, he grabs his keys and slams the front door. You’re
     left on the ground in a puddle of your puke, the happiness of the
     first day of school a distant memory.
Chapter Notes
     TW!!! Hey, there's a lot of shit in this chapter. Slurs, domestic
     abuse, emotional abuse, and some tones of sexual abuse. Bro is kinda
     OOC but whatever, he's gonna be more cannon in later chapters.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
  It feels like the bus ride is longer than it was in the morning. You sit with
Dirk as he looks out the window, tapping his fingers on his kneecap. Kids are
grouped together in pairs throughout the seats, before today you had only been
in a car once. It’s boring, with nothing to do and nothing to focus on besides
other people’s conversations.
  Across the bus aisle from you, your sisters sit. Roxy is kneeling on the bus
seat, turned around and talking loudly to the person in the seat behind. You
can’t see who it is but she seems to nod along with their words. Rose, on the
other hand, sits quietly. She leans out of the seat to talk to the people in
front of you. You recognize her from your class. She’s the one who was reading
to the kid in the crab shirt.
  Rose’s expression is…happy. It’s not her usually bitchy face or her smirk.
It’s happy, content. You feel yourself recoil as she even giggles. Dirk looks
over to you when you understandably press into his side. The bus seats are
small, your backpack is on your lap, Dirk’s under your feet. He raises an
eyebrow, his shades missing for now. His eyes drift to where yours are, and he
chuckles a bit.
  You swallow and turn away, some jealously growing in the pit of your stomach.
She’s your sister, how does some- some stranger make her smile, make her happy.
You sit, looking impassive as the bus ride goes on. The girl gets off with in
the first couple stops. By the time your stop rolls around there’s only you and
your siblings on the bus. Dirk ushers you to stand up, shooing you off the
steep steps of the bus and onto the cracking sidewalk.
  Your apartment building is in ruins, as it always has been. This is as far as
the bus route for the district goes, you’re the last stop. Here, gun shots,
sirens, and screams sing like crickets in the night. Here, your eldest siblings
keep you locked to their sides when you do go out. Just down the street is
where your mother goes to get drunk or have “fun”.
  No one holds your hand as you all silently walk into the building. There is
no one to greet you in the lobby but the same drunken lady that has always been
there. You don’t know her name, and you don’t want to know it. Her brown eyes
watch you as walk by, they never look away. The look of disgust on her face is
there but, you don’t understand it. Dirk seems to walk faster. You’ve never
heard her voice except for the times she’s up in your bro’s room. She giggles,
you can’t match her voice to her face at all.
  The elevator is broken, it’s always been broken. You take the stairs, half
way through, Dirk has you on his back. He knows Bro would kill him if he knew
he babied you like this but, that won’t happen. Bro comes home an hour after
they, and you now, get home from school. The metal door clinks open and Dirk
drops you back on your feet. The four of you walk down the hall in a somber
mood. Today will your first time facing Bro’s society training.
 
                                     ☆ ☆ ☆
                                        
  Bro’s glare is hard as stone and it sends chills down your spine. You stand
beside your siblings, back straight. You all stand in a prefect line, feet all
facing forward. Each of your faces are impassive and lack any form of emotion.
It has been an hour since you got home, and now you are part of Bro’s society
training. You used to be in your room for this but, now you stand alongside
your siblings.
  Dirk is the oldest, he gets the first of Bro’s pent up anger. He steps
forward, staring down Dirk. His face is impassive, and you can’t tell exactly
what he’s thinking. Dirk is well rehearsed, he doesn’t flinch. You feel a pang
of jealously for his composure.
  “Fag,” Bro starts, you’ve heard him call Dirk it plenty of times. Rose won’t
tell you what it means exactly. “No good fucking fag, lil’ shit that don’t even
got a mom. All your fuckin’ fault she’s dead, you god damn piece of shit
faggot. I should of killed ya when you were a baby, when that slut brought you
fuckin’ home. Huh, kid? Say it, say it!”  Bro’s words sting worse than his
punches, you can see the tears welling up in Dirk’s eyes.
  “Say it, Dirk.” He steps back, and Dirk opens his mouth. His voice is even
for his flustered face, his teary eyes, “You should have killed me.”
  Satisfied with the answer, he moves on to Roxy. She looks harden and
determined. So much different from the bubbly girl just from an hour ago. Bro
gets up in her face with a glare and Roxy glares right fucking back. He’s never
hit her or Rose in front of you, but you think he will now. You’ll be here to
see this daily, see the daily defiance Roxy gives him. The door opens, and your
mom slips in.
  Her lips are painted a smeared red, hair tousled and face flustered. Her
shirt is low, showing off her boob job. Her skirt is short, heels in her hand.
She makes eye contact for a second before looking away with a level of guilt in
her eyes.
  “-Fucking slut, just like fucking sister! Gonna be a drunk, a little whore
who will let anyone use you, won’t you? I can see it, just like your god damn
sister!” He spits at her, Roxy doesn’t cry, she doesn’t let it get to her. She
spits in his face.
  The look of shock across Bro’s face is something you’ve never seen. The anger
that follows makes you scared, it reminds you of when you manage to get a swipe
in on the roof. He slaps her. Roxy falls to the ground, with how hard he hit
her. She lets out a whimper, looking up at him. Your mom stands still, shock
across her own face then she looks away.
  Bro moves on, leaving Roxy on the ground, Dirk to get down and comfort her.
Though, you can’t focus on that because you’re watching Rose.
  “…You’re not smart.” He starts off, “You’re not smart and you know it. You’re
just going end up working as a house wife. You’ll never get anywhere, you’re
not smart.” His words are simple, and they seem to get to your sister. Though,
she doesn’t react. She lifts her head up and stares him in the eyes. Then, she
opens her mouth. “You only do this because you’re unsatisfied with yourself,
Father.”
  Before Bro can hit her, can do anything, she steps back and goes with your
older siblings. Dirk is leading Roxy along to her room, whispering how she
can’t keep doing that. Bro lets her go, standing still. You want to retreat but
you don’t, you wait for your turn. This is only to make you all stronger, so
you can take a punch and not cry like a pussy about it.
  When Bro turns to you, you’re alone. Mom has left again, leaving behind her
phone and purse. Bro towers over you, his eyes have a look you only see when he
comes home covered in blood. He doesn’t say a word to you, he never has
directly addressed you. When his hand meets your cheek, you fall onto the
ground.
  Already, there are tears in your eyes. He rips your shades off and then
starts to kick you. He kicks you into the wall, kicking you until you throw up
your lunch. Only then does he stop but then he just looks at your shaking form
on the ground. His eyes full of hate, you feel like he wants to go further. You
notice a bulge in his pants, a frown forming across you face. You know what it
implies, what it means. But, not fully. You know it means he wants some special
time, you know what’s it called but you don’t really understand the
implications, the level of abuse behind it. Without a word, he grabs his keys
and slams the front door. You’re left on the ground in a puddle of your puke,
the happiness of the first day of school a distant memory.
Chapter End Notes
     Uhhhhh point out my bullshit, please?? I didn't reread this and im
     high on painkillers
***** A Long Day *****
Chapter Summary
     In the darkness of your room, you open a chat room. The green text
     that takes up the screen makes you smile. For those few hours, you
     let yourself be selfish and eat up all the green text you can get.
Chapter Notes
     hey twigger warning for bro bullshit but look! dirk!! yay!! ill try
     to do a version with rose and roxy later butttt im bad at writing
     them so well see if that happens
See the end of the chapter for more notes
  Holding your sister’s head still, you press the icepack to the raised skin of
her cheek. He hit her harder then he usually did, Roxy hardly cries when he
dares to hit her. It’s never hard enough to leave a mark but, now he has a left
a mark. It’s most likely foreshadowing to how his behavior is developing. She
sniffles, flinching when the door slams shut. You glance over at Rose, who
stands up and holds the icepack instead. You step into the hall, and glance at
the two girls. Rose stands still, holding the icepack still as Roxy blinks away
more tears and wipes her nose with the back of her hand. You turn away, there
is no noise from the front room, a feeling of dread sits heavily on your
shoulders.
  Your name is Dirk Strider, you are eight years old. You are 4 feet and three
inches, you weigh 48.6 pounds. You have blonde hair, a medium skin-tone, and a
ton of freckles. You also have unusual eyes like the rest of your family, yours
are orange. Not hazel, not a light brown…they are a bright vivid orange. You
live in Houston Texas, with your brother, his wife, her little sister, and
their two kids. You don’t remember your parents but, Derick insists that it’s
your fault they’re dead. You don’t remember them or what happened to them.
Occasionally, you’ll see a rare picture of them. They look like your niece and
nephew, the family resemblance there. You know your nephew is named after your
dad but, you don’t know your mother’s name. You know Derick hates your dad,
even if he is dead. You can’t possibly understand why he would name his kid
after the man he hates.
  Speaking of Dave, you need to check up on him. Bro, as Dave calls him, has
never once really acknowledged him. He has red eyes but, that’s just because
he’s albino. His skin is paler than paper and he burns so easily it’s like he’s
combustible. He’s six and doesn’t understand a lot of things but, even so he
still swears like a sailor. You blame yourself for that, a six-year-old
shouldn’t say fuck as often as he does. Anyways, you doubt Derick has ever said
anything to Dave verbally. You just hope he didn’t beat him senseless.
  Your hope is crushed swiftly, as you turn the corner. Laying against the
wall, is Dave. He’s small, even for his age. You all are, all of you look like
poor little street kids. It’s a wonder the school hasn’t called CPS. The only
real meal you all get is from school, and even then, it’s just the meal deal.
It isn’t near enough of anything. One carton of milk, strawberry, chocolate or
regular, a hot vegetable…usually watery and a grain plus optional fruit. You
have the hot meals set to memory. Monday is a chicken sandwich, soggy and
plain, Tuesday is the country fried steak, Wednesday is “Chinese” (it’s just
some chicken nuggets bathed in sauce), Thursday is chicken noodle and a roll,
Friday they switch it up. The portion sizes are way too small, but food is
food.
  You walk quick to scoop Dave up in your arms. He’s so light, just skin and
bones. Vomit is on his lips, and there’s a puddle of it on the floor. You
suspect he must have been kicked, Dave rarely throws up. Only when he eats too
fast.  Even then, it’s just food and then some stomach acid. He cries the whole
time, mumbling how it hurts. When you can, you looked up what that means. After
that, you made him drink a lot of water, it seemed to help and, so you
committed that to memory as well. You decide your sisters will want to help,
Rose is protective over Dave. She takes it upon herself to beat up his bullies
and keep his mental health as calm as possible. Even if she teases him, she
still cares.
  When you enter the bathroom, they both have equal looks of concern on their
faces for him. Rose lets Roxy hold the icepack herself, going to make Dave a
bath. You all take care of each other, you’re pretty sure without them you
would be like your brother. With only Derick to govern you, with no one to show
you morals and how to really be human…. you’d be like him. You’re both from the
same stone, molded from the same stuff. They are your conscious, they are the
little voice that tells you what’s wrong- what’s right.
  Stripping Dave of his clothing, Roxy offers to go to the laundry mat. You
make Rose go with her, as much as Roxy can hold her own…Rose is much better in
hand to hand. She’s tried to stab Derick with knitting needles, and she’s
faster than Roxy anyways. Roxy can shoot a gun, you think Mom showed her. But,
she won’t unzip her lips about the whole process. Your attention drifts back to
your little bro, holding his head up and your bathe the blood and vomit off
him. You need to go shoplifting soon…. He needs to eat. His stomach is covered
in forming bruises and red boot prints. You press gently on the skin, there’s
no signs of internal bleeding and you thank whatever God is up there.
  Dave wakes up an hour after you’ve bathed him. He’s on the bed, wrapped up in
a few blankets. You sit on the edge of the mattress, doing your homework. He
groans, and you set aside the math for now. You must play mommy and daddy now.
Rose and Roxy are in their own rooms, Derick doesn’t let you go into each
other’s rooms or even hug. You think it has to do with the fact that he married
his cousin. But, that’s something for older you to figure out. Right now, you
get to baby Dave while you can. He has to go to school tomorrow, even if he
feels like shit.
  “Dirk,” He starts but you shush him. He needs his rest right now. You’re
usually quiet and reserved, it’s what your brother wants from you. Until you
can get away, you’re going to be this way. Never talking too loud or too much.
You spin bullshit around people’s heads when you do talk, just to make sure
they never talk to you again. Few people find it amusing to hell and back, they
are your school friends. But, they know nothing of you. They know nothing, and
you plan on keeping it that way. They don’t even know your last name, or your
birthday. They don’t know where you live or your favorite color. You stand
beside your ever-talkative sister and watch, wait. She can bring up and topic
and go with it without showing any secrets. You envy her ability to this.
  You make Dave drink some water and go back to sleep. By now, two hours have
passed. Bro is back, you can hear him slamming things around in the living
room. Then it goes silent, a sudden thump on your door. You know what it means,
he wants a fight. Smoothing your hand through Dave’s hair, you stand up. Your
mind blank, you feel like you’re watching yourself. You know there’s a word for
this, but you don’t know what it is exactly. Rose would know, she’s getting
into psychology.
  You pick up the sword, and open the door. Sure enough, there’s a note in
Derick’s weirdly even, print like handwriting. One would think he would write
sloppy but, the guy is a genius. He’s made more advanced AI then people could
think, he has one running 24/7 on his porn sites. He has another leading the
cops off his snuff works and deep web hitman bullshit. You’re only eight, you
don’t understand it fully, but you know your brother kills people for money.
You also know he’s rich. He comes late at night, sometimes. He’s almost always
covered in blood, his shades missing…the look in his eyes unnerving. Those
times, when you meet him in the hallway between your room and his, he looks at
you almost with regret. But, when you wake back up, he’s the same person as
before. You wonder if those little moments, when he could look human are what
made Mom love him.
  The trek up the hard, stone stairs to the roof is anxiety inducing as always.
You can feel the heat through the door, you yank it open and sure enough Derick
is standing in the middle of the roof. He stands cooler than he was before,
sword resting on his shoulder, hand on his hip. Grey hat in place, shades
reflecting the light. He doesn’t look or act human right now. Now, he is like
one of your mini fight bots, prefect at his forms, at his defense and attacks.
Without flaw, without feeling. He flicks the sword down, light glinting off the
edge of it. His lips quirk up in a little smirk. You know it means you’re on
the defensive this time.
  You put yourself in position, and he flash-steps forward. He’s teaching you
how to flash-step, it’s hard and every time you fail, he hits your ankles with
a wooden stick to make you go faster. You calculate his next moves, blocking
until your arms are numb from the vibrations of his hard hits make. He finally
gets the final hit against your stomach when you take a misstep.
  Falling flat on your ass, you pant heavily, staring up at his reflective
shades. He kicks you once, and then starts to walk away. Only then do you see
his boner, your stomach churns with disgust. You understand what it means, you
always have. But, those memories, those moments are blocked from your head. You
stay still, and he never comes back up to get you. If he did, you know you’d
find yourself in the bedroom. His hands wrapped around your neck with his smirk
so wide it’s inhumane. It’s only happened three times since your eighth
birthday but, the idea of it makes you want to scream and cry.
  When the door does open, the sun is starting to set. You can feel your skin
is slightly burned and raw, the wounds from Bro’s sword already dried. The pain
is gone but a harsh ache replaces it. A sleepy Dave waddles over to you,
wrapped in a blanket even though it’s ninety out. He leans over you, red eyes
drooping with sleep. He offers you a little hand up and you take it. You love
Dave more than anything, he is one of the few lights in the dark beside Rose
and Roxy. You know your sisters will soon be a distant memory though.
  Lately, you’ve overheard Mom fighting with Derick a lot. She’s not drunk when
they fight, she’s feisty and screams about how fucked up he is. Even though,
she gets drunk every day and never helps her own children. She threatens to
take the girls away, you wish she would take Dave with her too. But, you know
she has a deep-rooted hatred for him as well. After all, he has the same name
and eyes as her Uncle who tried to stop her and Derick from dating. You don’t
blame your father at all, even if you never knew him. You wish they would have
never dated, but then again you wouldn’t have Dave.
  That night, you share a bowl of ramen with Dave. He eats little, due to his
stomach, but you still make him eat. You give him a pain killer you stole from
the corner shop, and make him head to bed. You do his homework for him, he’s
had a rough night. In the darkness of your room, you open a chat room. The
green text that takes up the screen makes you smile. For those few hours, you
let yourself be selfish and eat up all the green text you can get.
Chapter End Notes
     btw, didnt proof read this so help me out
***** Home Is Not Where the Heart Is *****
Chapter Summary
     Even though school is boring, you somehow want to be back there. With
     all your friends, happy and content. Playing that game, and jumping
     on the hot blacktop, watching the normal kids play tag and hopscotch.
Chapter Notes
     Warnings for child abuse and sexual abuse my dudes. Point out typos
     and shit ya know, didn't reread this
   Kanaya is captivating as always. She’s a year older, as are most in your
grade. After all, you did skip 1st grade, so you are, the youngest. You are a
little shorter then the rest of the kids, like the rest of your family. You’re
all too hunger, too small, too cold. Too- something. But, Kanaya. Kanaya is….
amazing. Her hair is long, her skin is a dark chocolate. Bright jade eyes stare
at you as she tries to teach you Arabic. Everything of her, and in her, makes
your heart pound. And it’s fucking infuriating. You like girls better than
boys, most girls (including your elder sister) chase around boys in childish
ways. You sit quietly, and read. Or you gather with Kanaya’s rag-tag group of
friends and play along. It’s a fun game, and either way you’re extremely
competitive with her. 
   School is just an excuse to show how much better you are. And Kanaya beats
you in every way. You speak English, and some French. She’s fluent in Arabic,
English, and French. You’re quick at math, one of the best class. She’s
learning honors level. You’re pretty to look at, interesting at best. With your
purple eyes, white eyelashes, and paper white skin. She’s gorgeous. She holds
herself with prefect posture, unmarked skin, bright eyes, shiny and healthy
black hair. Your hair can’t grow very long, it’s too unhealthy to and it’s
dangerous to have such long hair. You envy her, and everything she stands for.
   The more you think, the more your see how you were like this with Jade just
months before. Jade Harley, around your age, skipped a grade, and wonderful.
You were passive aggressive and competitive with her before but, now she’s a
close friend. Her hugs are warming, the birds nest of her hair isn’t ugly.
She’s a wild child for sure but, she’s not stupid. She’s one of the smartest
people you’ve ever met. Though, the school refuses to let her move into high
school, she could. As could Dirk and Roxy. You’re surrounded with beautiful,
smart people, when you let yourself cry- it’s about this.
   You know Dave hates himself just as much as you do but, you’re not open
about it. Both at such young ages, you feel the pressure of self-hatred. You
hate so deeply, that it brings no meaning to life. It’s a deep numbness, you
and all your siblings experience. Dirk sits quietly and works himself to the
bone, Roxy puts a front of happiness, Dave seeks to be like Bro, you…. you try
to be better than everyoneelse. From your mother, to your siblings. You aim to
be more mature, more intelligent, more everything, better, always better. You
must succeed. You have high goals for life, you will rise above what your
parents are, and they will never be able to touch you again. You’ll be smarter,
richer, prettier. They will stand at your feet and beg for mercy as you crush
them with the illegal backways only the rich and famous have. You’ll break
Father for his cruelty, for his abuse, and his basic nature. You’ll break
Mother for her neglect and self-importance. You’ll destroy everyone who’s ever
going to or has hurt your family. Your list of those to die grows monthly.
   Heavy breathing fills the humid air as Dave staggers forward, holding a
sword much too heavy for his body. You stand on the side lines, behind the air
conditioner unit, Father will not see you here. You are not supposed to be
around to see these so-called “strife’s”, they are too violent for a pretty
little lady like you.
   But, Dave is your baby brother, and since Dirk is somewhere else, you stand
here to watch. To protect. Roxy isn’t as quiet as you are, she’s loud, shiny,
glittery- everything of a manic little girl. Despite the spring in her step,
the light in her eyes to match her twinkle toes, she’s sad. Sometimes, you
wonder if she’s sadder than all of you, the deep depression has led her to take
sips of Mother’s favorite poison. But, that is not for anyone else’s mind to
know but yours. You must be the prefect little angel for mother, it’s a passive
aggressive war. Rage and frustration for your drunk of mother is something that
never stops burning. You are only seven but, you know when you’re mad, you know
why you’re mad. You know more then you really, really should.
   For example, Father is a pedophile. It’s a truth you faced two weeks ago,
when you saw from the bathroom, him standing over your eldest brother. You know
what it meant when it…bulged. You’ve seen him recording and uploading the
videos of Dirk and Dave showering to some creepy website, you know what he
likes, you’ve snooped. You REALLY shouldn’t know it but, you do. It scares you
but, not for your own safety, rather the safety of your brothers. Father seems
unconcerned with you girls, he hardly glances at you. The most you get out of
him is when you have those stupid fucking sessions of self fulfilment.
   He’s only completely fucking insane, you don’t like to use that term lightly
but, Father is. He shows signs for just about every major disorder there is.
But, you are only seven and therefor, you don’t know what you are talking
about.
   Careful eyes watch every single move from your brother. He’s a year younger
but he was born a day before you, and on the same day as Dirk. It’s ironic
really, and rather stupid, seeing how Roxy and you were born on the same day
too. (You wonder if your parents were born on the same days, that’d be funny.)
You feel like Dave’s twin sometimes, but you’d never tell him that. You can
predict his every move, none of it is graceful or planned, it’s straight up
defensive and brash. He swings with reckless care, just hoping to hit Father
somewhere, anywhere. You grip the sharpen knitting needles in your hands
tighter as you can see his doom. Father looms over him, with no care for his
safety, a sword drawn too close to striking Dave’s neck.
   You hardly intervene, unless Father does this, you can see how…”about” this
he is. His movements are less precise but, they still could take Dave down
permanently. Anger boils high as you act on impulse, running from your hiding
place. You grit your teeth, the only noise is your feet pounding on the ground,
the beating of your heart. Needles strike flesh, yank across the white shirt
and are left there. Dave looks stunned, out of it, as you scoop him up.
   The scream of rage from father is with you as you stumble down the stairs,
with Dave in your arms and feeling in your heart. He’s so much lighter then you
are, it’s awful. As much as you play the game with mother, she still feeds you
but, never the boys. It’s just another ploy to get under your skin, Roxy is
blind to it but, you see.
 
 
                                     ☆ ☆ ☆
                                        
 
   School is, school. It gets boring after a week; the anxiety has reduced and
you’re now just bored. Simply sitting and waiting for recess. You have friends,
it’s a weird feeling to talk to people without a blood relation to you. Your
friends include, an angry kid named Karkat, his older, adopted sister Kanaya, a
blind girl named Terezi, twins, John and the Jade. The list goes on, and on.
You’ve somehow kinda befriend a good twelve people. Sometimes you pair into
teams, and Rose joins as well. The 2nd graders have recess with the 1st
graders, you enjoy it. Some of your friends are in 2nd grade, like Jade. She’s
John’s twin but, she skipped a grade. Dirk and Roxy also skipped a grade, same
with Rose. You think you are the stupid one of the family, after all one kid
had to come out bad, right?
   Bro is smarter than you know, his mind works well like it’s a well-oiled
machine. He tricks his body into not feeling pain, hunger, cold, heat. He’s a
robot of a man, made of prediction and precise movements. Therefore, he’s a bad
ass. Dirk is like Bro, but he’s much smarter. Bro manages to seem smart, but
Dirk is smart. If he could, he’d be in college or something right now,
alongside Roxy. Both are incredibly smart, to a degree you can’t comprehend.
   Dirk’s knowledge of robotics is amazing, he can even speak three languages
right now. French, Spanish, and English. You wish you could be like him, he’s
not scared, and he’s not a little girl. Roxy is held to the same standards in
your eyes. She can break her way into anything, con her way out of things, and
shoot so well it’s unhuman. She’ll let you try and shoot cans with her (stolen)
bb gun but, you really suck. She can shoot a can that’s on the air unit from
the doorway.
   The bell rings and kids scramble out of the hall, they run and trample over
your small form. You’re the youngest one in your grade, a hand grabs you as you
fall. A familiar voice is heard as you stand, the doors swinging from the
crowd. “You need to wait for the hallway to clear.”
   It’s one of your favorite sounds, sweet but also grumpy. You turn to face
him, his dark brows dark as always. His hair is still messy, and his sweater
looks huge on him. Kanaya insists that Karkat needs to wear real clothes but he
refuses to. His sweat pants actually fit, and so do his red shoes. He gives you
a little push and you nod stupidly. You aren’t very talkative, but they like
you anyway. You’re the best at tag, faster than anyone else. People seem to
only like you for your athletic ability. You can jump higher, run faster, spin
faster, just about everything. Your throw isn’t the best but, people always
seem to pick you for their team first. It makes you feel good about yourself,
at least you have something decent about you. You’re not as fast a Bro but,
maybe one day you will be.
   Today, it seems like you’re continuing the game from yesterday. It’s
overcomplicated and kinda weird. You have a session of it daily, and take a
break from it once a week. This game has been dubbed house by Sollux but, you
like the weird name, Sburb, John gave it. It’s like a video game in real life,
only you use your imagination. So far, you, Rose, Jade, and John are on one
little team since you all couldn’t be spilt up fairly. Rose, John, and Jade
were on a team beforehand, but they let you join to make it even. They are two
larger teams of six, red and blue. Sollux made it, he seems to have a thing for
those two colors.
    Karkat leads the red team, presiding over Terezi, Gamzee, Tavros, Kanaya,
and Vriska. Terezi was originally the leader but then Karkat had a fit
apparently. You think Sollux is the leader of the blue team, but you have no
idea. He has Fef, Eridan, Nepeta, Aradia and the horse dude on his team. You
think horse dudes has an E or something, but you have no idea. He’s really
weird and protective over Nepeta. You think they may be related, but you can’t
tell.
   To make up for the missed time you’ve had with the game, they made you a
time player. You’ve been here this whole time but according to Sollux you can
time travel and that’s why you weren’t around at first. It doesn’t mess with
their whole story, so it works out. They’ve dubbed the area of black top with
the worn red dots on it as your ‘planet.’ Sollux has this whole chart made up
about it, Aradia helped him with it. They both are really into this, as is John
and Jade. Rose is just determined to break it, messing with everything. So far,
you’re a little lost, just jumping around on the red dots in your area. You’re
a knight, which means you have to be part of the boss fights. They call you
over when someone pretends to be the monster, and you always make it faster.
Though, they’ve set up special rules for you since you’re so fast.
    Karkat leads you to his area for the first time, he says he’s a knight and
he has blood because it sounds cool. You don’t like it much, but it does sound
kinda cool. Blood makes you feel sick, the idea of it alone makes you nausea.
He sits down on of the little tuffs of grass. It’s the overgrown sand pit, he
says he has little crabs on his planet. You almost made fun of it once much
Terezi basically told you to fuck off and, so you did. Karkat has a crush on
Terezi. It’s obvious as fuck, and you don’t know what to do about it. You like
both of them, but they fight a lot. You guess you don’t have to do much but be
a good wingman, right?
   Recess passes quickly, making the rest of the day long. You’re quiet for the
time being, Dirk tries to make small talk with you on the bus but, you just
give little shrugs and half answers.  When you get off the bus, instead of
going home, Roxy decides to take you to the corner store. Dirk then decides to
come along and so does Rose. It’s not often you all group together to come and
get some things. You learn that Dirk and Roxy have managed to dig up ten and
Rose has around 3. You have 25 cents.
   The corner store is never, ever busy. The same drugged up guy sits at the
register. The place doesn’t have cameras, and K-something is too high to even
pay much attention to you. The smell of cheap plastic food wrappers, and over
worked machines is welcoming. The broken tiled floors feel good under your
feet, the flickering lights just add to the feeling. You like the corner store,
you’ve never been unhappy in here before.
   Rose buys you a slushy, it’s red cherry blast. Your favorite, she gets
herself a blueberry buster. You sip it as you walk around, you don’t pay for
them, the guy is too high to watch you. Leaving the corner store, you get away
with a weeks’ worth of food, a couple candy bars, and some little things. Roxy
has some makeup, Dirk got some toys to take apart and make better. You have
your slushy. Everything is good until you all stand in the stairwell, the top
floor door staring at all of you. Bro’s voice echoes down the hall as Dirk
pushes open the heavy metal door. Mom’s voice shouts back, some people stand
outside their own doors, looking to the end of the hall were your apartment is.
   The feeling of walking down the hall is just plain bad. Rose holds your
hand, you can’t sip your slushy, you keep your head down. The pitiful stares of
neighbors going into your soul, it’s like they can see past your clothes, see
the deep purple bruises that litter your body, the scars.
   Its’ over sooner than expected but, as you step into the thick atmosphere of
the apartment, outside suddenly seems better. Bro stands over your mom, her
hands over her head. His chest is heaving, anger fills eyes you never see. This
is the first time Bro looks human, somehow, it’s even more scary. You’re tugged
into the bedroom by Dirk, the banging of a fight making you flinch. Even though
school is boring, you somehow want to be back there. With all your friends,
happy and content. Playing that game, and jumping on the hot blacktop, watching
the normal kids play tag and hopscotch.
End Notes
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